


Remembrance

by AmongstTheStars



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt but no comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'M NOT CRYING YOU ARE, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Ouch, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s07e05 The Angels Take Manhattan, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers for Episode: s07e05 The Angels Take Manhattan, Spoilers for Other Episodes Earlier on Too, The Doctor cries, The Doctor has PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 16:58:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14981534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmongstTheStars/pseuds/AmongstTheStars
Summary: Amy is gone. Rory too. River has left him as well, but she always does, doesn't she?It's not good to be alone, they always told him that, and now the Doctor understands why.





	Remembrance

**Author's Note:**

> it's like 2:30am and i just watched angels take Manhattan for the billionth time. 
> 
> i cried writing this :)

Amy is gone. Rory too. River has left him as well, but she always does, doesn't she? It wasn't a surprise to him when she said her goodbyes, but after that painful moment... That excruciating scene he had to witness; he can't even bring himself to think about it, not even a millisecond of a thought. It hurts too much. All he wants is River. His River. His love. He wants her to hold him and tell him everything is okay, that everything will fix itself. _You're a Timelord, things don't have to be forever._ That's all he wants to hear from her. But no, she had left to rejoin her own timeline.  
  
He looks up at the ceiling of the TARDIS and it feels like it's miles away. His eyes water as he catches a glimpse of the broken gallifreyan, the names of his companies. His friends. But he doesn't cry. Not yet, not again. He sniffs, his lip quivering slightly as his eyes scan the patterns above him.  
  
He'd asked her to come with him, to travel with him until time ran out. He knew the answer the minute the words left his mouth, but he had to ask anyway. He didn't want to be alone, it's not good for him. Everyone always told him that. Amy always told him that. He remembered the pure, burning guilt in River's eyes when she said she couldn't, and he understood. Time is fragile, it can't be messed with. Even so, it brought tears back to his eyes and they threatened to spill. He hadn't even bothered to fight it off. It was River, after all.  
  
She had wrapped her arms around him and he'd felt safe. Now he's left wide open, alone and unguarded against the terrors that await.

The new, fresh memories worm their way into his mind no matter how much he curses at them to stay away, the image of Amy and Rory throwing themselves off the edge of the building flashing before his eyes. The image of Rory disappearing right in front of the three of them before Amy had willingly given herself to the Weeping Angel, wanting nothing more than to be with her husband. He hadn't been able to do anything to stop it. Not when they fell, and not when they vanished. It stung, the searing pain burning a hole right where his hearts were.  
  
The Doctor braces himself against the TARDIS' console, guilt and anguish furrowing his brow as he kicks the memory away just as he kicks the machine in front of him. Usually he would apologise immediately, but now he doesn't even care. He just lost his best friends and then his wife all over again, why would he? All he wants to do is scream and shout, so he does. It echos loudly around the infinite space, haunting him like a ghost like the rest of his past tends to do.  
  
It always ends this way. _ALWAYS_. All he wants is to save someone, is that too much to ask? But no, every time he thinks they're far from the edge, where the dangers can't reach them, the feeling of victory is torn harshly from him within an instant. He just wants to be happy. To have someone to love. Apparently, that's not allowed. The universe forbids it, laughing in his face even after everything he's done for it. Frankly, he's just tired of it all.  
  
He's not a stranger to this feeling. He remembers Martha Jones and what became of her, and Donna Noble and how badly he'd screwed that up. Most of all, though, he remembers Rose Tyler and how he loved her, and how he'd screwed that up too. By now she's probably living peacefully with her version of the Doctor, enjoying life having completely forgotten about the man she used to love. He knows for a fact, actually, that her life will be far from peaceful. She was always looking for trouble, much like himself. It brings a smile to his face through the tears.  
  
The smile vanishes as he remembers her losing her grip, the force of the vast void pulling her in and away from him. He remembered how he shouted and she screamed, how he'd banged against the solid concrete wall so hard it hurt for days after just trying to get through to her in some way. He remembers what felt like an endless eternity alone in the TARDIS, doing nothing but what he is now. Recollecting, in the worst ways possible. He remembers most of all, though, burning up an entire star up just to say goodbye, and he didn't even get to do that after all. _Rose Tyler-_

 _I don't want to go..._  
  
Shivers course through his body, lighting up every nerve as he feels the pain of the loss even now, four hundred years later. He can't stop the tears and he's surprised he has any left. He must look like a mess, but then again, he feels like one. That's an understatement, really.  
  
Anger washes over him in intense waves as it all comes back to him. The mistakes of past lives mixing in with the problems caused in this one, creating an ungodly corrosive compound designed to tear him apart from the inside out. He roars his rage again, squeezing his eyes shut and hitting his palms against his temples. The haunting sound of a familiar voice rings in his ears, speaking words he heard many years ago. Hundreds.  
  
"The punishment is... _You_ _live_." The name doesn't come to him, but the phrase never leaves him. If he slept, it would keep him up every night.  
  
Everyone dies, always, and he is continuously punished for it. Everyone dies and he's the one left standing _every single time_. Why don't they live? Why don't they just take him instead? It's been going on long enough, he thinks.  
  
Another image hits him and he wants to be sick.

Gallifrey, his home. The war came so quick, Arcadia fell in what felt like seconds. The sounds of screams bounce around inside his head like he's there all over again, and he suddenly can't help but see it around him when he opens his eyes. Panic takes over his body immediately and he feels cold despite the flames that lick at his body and engulf the area around him.  
  
The flames. The burning hot flames taking control over every part of the once beautiful city, destroying the last memories of what once stood there, tall and proud. Children cowering with their parents, looks of intense fear in their eyes and the look of pride long gone along with the innocence that used to be there. His home is in ruins, the red sky clouded with thick smoke as Daleks shout threats and commands as it's all they seem capable of. Strikes of green violently contrast against the orange and red painfully, terrifyingly.

He sees blood and he almost loses it, eyes wide with fear and pain and guilt and so much of every other emotion that he can barely contain it anymore.

It's almost surreal.

All of a sudden, his location shifts dramatically. All is peaceful but at the same time the silence is so loud, deafening, the air thick with the decision that follows. His hearts skip a beat at the scenery, the panic failing to fade. It only gets worse. He knows now that there is a chance to change what must be done, but as his hand hovers over the bright red button the Moment helpfully supplied him with, he realises there is no other way. It will be too late if he doesn't do it now, and Gallifrey will be ripped to shreds anyway. Going peacefully is the better way, he figures.  
  
So he pushes it.

 _Two billion children_ , he remembers, and it knocks him off his feet as his breaths come in short gasps, his lungs and mind burning with it all.  
  
He sits on the glass floor of the TARDIS, surrounded by the memories of his failures and torment and he wonders how he's even managed it this far. He's glad he has though, because meeting Amy has been one of the best things to ever happen to him.  
  
But now she's gone, and he'll never see her again.  
  
He'll never see that smile when he tells her that "bow ties _are_ cool", or when he pulls the lever and sends the three of them spiralling into space and time looking for another adventure. He'll never get to surprise her at her wedding again, parking the TARDIS in the middle of the dance floor and joining them for drinks and partying, creating one of the most treasured memories he holds. He'll never get to hold her hand and hug her when she's scared, or when she's upset, or just whenever he feels like it. Never again will he be able to gift her and Rory with what they deserve for staying with him, or for their anniversary or for Christmas or birthdays or just because he wants to, because they're all he could ever want in life and he's so thankful to have them by his side.  
  
It breaks him all over again to think that he'll never see her again. His Amy. His Amelia Pond: the little girl he promised five minutes that turned into a decade. The girl he gave the entire universe to because _he could._ The girl that waited even though he lied over and over again.  
  
It's not good to be alone, they always told him, and now he understands why. He wants River, he wants Amy, he wants Rose. He wants anyone to sit with him and just talk.

He can't stand the Silence, he's never been able to. Not after the Moment.  
  
The Angels took Manhattan, but they took everything the Doctor had too.  
  
This is his punishment.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry


End file.
